i have an archived, never posted blog about my first experiences on match.com. i never published it because, quite frankly, i was embarrassed to be on match. i know plenty of people have met their mate that way and i think that's awesome. however, it is not how i envisioned my story.
my story was supposed to be that i met this random guy in disney and fell in love and we made a life and a family together. i would say that i knew the night we met and i knew even more when on one of our many long distance, poor reception phone calls he said "i'm here" in a way that i knew he meant forever.
turns out i don't know everything.
suddenly, he was gone and i was looking through all these profiles of guys who weren't him. who couldn't recite the "vitameatavegamin" episode of I Love Lucy in full. who hadn't wiped the drool and tears off my face after a wisdom teeth removal gone awry. who could do the stitch voice flawlessly. who cooked AND washed the dishes. who drove me crazy but also knew me at my worst and loved me anyways.
no, they were all strangers that all posed with fish and that i could find any reason to eliminate as prospects. HE WROTE IN ALL CAPS. he spelled something wrong. he was too muscular. not muscular enough. nerdy. awkward. divorced. lives in okechobee (ok, that one is legit). but i was the one with the flaws. i was the one without the open heart.
looking back at that unpublished post, it was pretty judgmental. i thought it would be a funny way to document online dating mishaps but it is clear i was mostly afraid of finding a new story. i still am. with each awkward email and weird, 75 year old man creeping on my profile, i wish even more for the story that should have been mine which i let drift away and drive 1,000 miles back to indiana.
it's been two years now since that chapter closed. i can't say i've had the best luck in love since, but i also can't say i've made the best choices either. i'm actually pretty sure i was choosing the jerks and the non-compatibles to ensure it wouldn't work. that way i could hold onto that dream. but its time to let it go.
it is time to re-write my future.
it is strange and scary and somewhat exciting. it's a big freaking empty page waiting for me to put pen to paper, and i have writers block. but, if the next chapter is as good as the last one was, i think i'll be ok.
i just have to believe.
