you win some, you lose some, you come back for more

in two saturdays, i ran two races with two very different experiences and outcomes.

last saturday, i ran Disney's Tower of Terror 10 Miler. as to be expected in Disney World, it was magical. all the stars aligned and a cool front rolled in an hour before the 10pm start and i was assigned an early starting corral which is essential in a race with 10,000 runners. i couldn't wait to start running and as soon as i did, each mile ticked off faster than the last. i was on the epitome of a runner's high as i crossed the finish line in 1:28:25.

with a pace of 8:42 in the ten miler, my goal of a sub two hour half marathon seemed within reach. fast forward to this saturday. i kept my legs fresh through the week and loaded up on plenty of carbs (aka pigged out). as i toed the starting line, i felt fairly sure i could pull it off. but at a steamy 80+ degrees at 7am and the added challenge of the bridges (florida for "hill") doubt crept in slowly and by mile seven, i thought i'd be lucky to even finish. it was a complete struggle but thanks to a friend pulling me along, i finished in 2:04:57.

i went home discouraged and exhausted. my finishing time was only 51 seconds off a personal best but it had felt 51 times harder. i doubted my abilities and considered finding another sport. but after a long shower and a big bowl of mac and cheese i found some perspective.

i'm lucky to be able to run a mile, much less 13.1. i'm fortunate to be able to run through disney or along the beachside in this beautiful town. i have friends and family who applauded both efforts, regardless of their outcomes. two hours and five minutes is better than not finishing which is even better than never starting.

running fills me up and empties me out in the best way possible. it provides a sense of accomplishment even when nothing else seems to be going right. i have had some of my best ideas and solved some of my hardest problems on a run. running connects me with an awesome community. it keeps me sane. it makes me happy.

and yes, i'll be back for more. 

life lessons learned on match

i have an archived, never posted blog about my first experiences on match.com. i never published it because, quite frankly, i was embarrassed to be on match. i know plenty of people have met their mate that way and i think that's awesome. however, it is not how i envisioned my story.

my story was supposed to be that i met this random guy in disney and fell in love and we made a life and a family together. i would say that i knew the night we met and i knew even more when on one of our many long distance, poor reception phone calls he said "i'm here" in a way that i knew he meant forever.

turns out i don't know everything.

suddenly, he was gone and i was looking through all these profiles of guys who weren't him. who couldn't recite the "vitameatavegamin" episode of I Love Lucy in full. who hadn't wiped the drool and tears off my face after a wisdom teeth removal gone awry. who could do the stitch voice flawlessly. who cooked AND washed the dishes. who drove me crazy but also knew me at my worst and loved me anyways.

no, they were all strangers that all posed with fish and that i could find any reason to eliminate as prospects. HE WROTE IN ALL CAPS. he spelled something wrong. he was too muscular. not muscular enough. nerdy. awkward. divorced. lives in okechobee (ok, that one is legit). but i was the one with the flaws. i was the one without the open heart.

looking back at that unpublished post, it was pretty judgmental. i thought it would be a funny way to document online dating mishaps but it is clear i was mostly afraid of finding a new story. i still am. with each awkward email and weird, 75 year old man creeping on my profile, i wish even more for the story that should have been mine which i let drift away and drive 1,000 miles back to indiana.

it's been two years now since that chapter closed. i can't say i've had the best luck in love since, but i also can't say i've made the best choices either. i'm actually pretty sure i was choosing the jerks and the non-compatibles to ensure it wouldn't work. that way i could hold onto that dream. but its time to let it go.

it is time to re-write my future.

it is strange and scary and somewhat exciting. it's a big freaking empty page waiting for me to put pen to paper, and i have writers block. but, if the next chapter is as good as the last one was, i think i'll be ok.

i just have to believe.

that one time i ran a marathon.

well, it certainly has been a while. life got a little crazy and i went a little crazier.

in january, i ran a marathon.

i remind myself of that often. when things get difficult or uncomfortable i remember how scary 26.2 miles seemed but how great every single one of them felt. i can do hard things.

crossing that finish line was both a huge relief and a tremendous reward. months of training amid an already hectic schedule. entire sunday mornings dedicated to long runs. a brutal 20 mile run following an already emotional week. headaches, chaffing, two pairs of sneakers, and gallons of sweat.

thank god i registered for that marathon months in advance. i didn't know how much i would need it. running surely pulled me up from the trenches. most days i wanted to hide under a rock but a healthy fear of hitting the wall mid-race got me out of bed and out running. it made me realize that i can't wait for life to get better, i have to make it that way. it's still a work in progress.

i had some great friends help me on training runs and they even delivered a care package to my hotel the night before. others sent cards or texts of encouragement. i was even lucky enough to have my parents come cheer me on. as i went to bed marathon eve, my cup was more than half full.

lining up the morning of the marathon, i was terrified. 26 miles was intimidating. but knowing i'd see my parents at mile 5 in the magic kingdom kept me from a complete panic. so i focused on making it there, one mile at a time.

my parents were right in front of the castle and seeing them there was, well...magical. it filled my tank for the next leg of the course which was a long stretch from the magic kingdom to the animal kingdom. disney provided enough entertainment (of course) and before i knew it, i made it to mile 12. the energy of animal kingdom was electric; animals, guys on stilts, loud music and fire! soon enough i was on my way to ESPN.

it was then i knew that i had it. i COULD do this.

i felt awesome. i knew mom and dad would be at mile 19, a friend at mile 24 and then just two more miles. easy! i high fived my parents as i ran by and my dad says he knew i had it then too. he told me that after the race, with a ton of pride in his voice, and it still makes my heart swell.

next was hollywood studios, a personal favorite. running behind the scenes was enough distraction to keep me moving forward. the chocolate they handed out didn't hurt either. an awesome surprise came as i exited the park and saw someone cheering from me. i felt a bit delirious because i knew she was cheering for me but i couldn't believe it either. my college roommate had spotted me among the masses. i gave her a big, sweaty hug and i was on a high for the next mile. i almost wanted to slow down to make this all last but before i knew it i was running through epcot on the way to the finish.

coming up to that finish line was beyond amazing. i could have burst, i was so incredibly proud and HAPPY. before that race i had been neither of these things. that day, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face. i could not wait to get to my parents. i didn't feel like i had made them proud recently and i was so glad i could change that. they have always been my biggest cheerleaders, and i am so grateful. if my legs could have gotten me over the barricades to reach them, i would have. sharing this experience with them was so special.

my first goal was to finish the race. my second goal was to do it in four and a half hours. well, i finished it in 4:30:35. the fact that not only did i finish but i did it in the exact time i had hoped for was nothing short of a miracle. thinking back on that day, i'm pretty sure there was divine intervention. the weather could not have been more perfect. i hardly broke a sweat which was in stark contrast to my training runs. and not once did i want to stop running. for four and a half hours. thinking about it, it seems impossible, but somehow it wasn't!

i never let my mind get ahead of my body. i truly enjoyed myself and never once wanted to give up. i felt incredibly strong. when i crossed the finish line, my cup runneth over, fortunately with champagne!

so now, when things get hard i remind myself of that day and know that if i just take it one mile, one step at a time i will cross that finish line. (and if i forget, my wonderful mom always reminds me).