My Hero

I cannot write enough words to sum up my Dad. I had both the honor and horror of writing his obituary and eulogy. Below is what I read at his wake. He is all this and more. I will spend the rest of my life missing him and honoring his legacy. 

Dad was always putting lotto tickets in our Christmas stockings but we truly hit the jackpot with him. I’ve always been keenly aware how incredibly lucky to have the family I do. Many things had to happen for it to come to be and I have never taken that for granted. Dad met Mom after losing his first wife, Jane, and he came with two young children, my brother and sister. They fell in love fast and married even faster. There was not a day after that where he did not show his love for Mom or us kids.  

I joke that dad's love language was Windex. Anytime he would come to visit, I'd find new bottles around the house even though I hadn’t finished any of the bottles from his last visit. That's how dad was, short on words but big on action. He showed his love by doing things like making sure my mom always had her yogurt (she calls him her supply sgt), replacing my air filter, ensuring my brother had enough Christmas lights on his tree or that my sister's car was properly washed and waxed.

He did thousands of thoughtful things for all of us and worked incredibly hard to provide our family with a beautiful life. Our home in Sayville was always surrounded by gorgeous flowers and full of love and laughter. It was this strong foundation that allowed me, my brother and sister to spread our wings and fly. His example as a role model has been a guiding light as we’ve made our way in the world.

Dad’s service in the United States Air Force is a source of pride for all of us. He drove a truck in Florida, transporting necessary supplies like toilet paper. He joked that “if you can’t wipe it, you gotta wear it.” That was typical of dad, incredibly humble and totally hilarious. His punchlines were legendary. And so was his mustache. Dad was quietly brilliant, like a human encyclopedia, especially on the Civil War. His extensive knowledge helped me pass a college course in the subject.

He was also extremely patient. He would spend hours building sand forts to protect us from the rising tide. He'd spend days putting together the Christmas Village every year. He made sure the front and back yard were equally decked with lights and we lovingly called him Mr. Christmas. Dad made the holidays magic.

Dad was always magic to his grandkids who lovingly called him PopPop. My nieces and nephews lit up when he walked into the room and despite all his ailments he would get on the floor to play or crawl through caves together. PopPop became a kid again with them.

Dad was a gentle giant. His loyal dog George wanted nothing more than to be his shadow. Dad had the biggest heart and his hugs said more than words ever could and packed more warmth than the Florida sunshine. I can attest to that. For his 70th birthday I gave him the gift of trekking through DC to watch me run a marathon. Lucky him, but he did it with a smile. That morning he gave me the sweetest hug that powered me through the hardest of miles. Dad's love made me brave.

Dad was brave. He cared deeply, lived humbly and leaves a legacy of love. We are so grateful for the countless memories although there will never be enough. Dad will forever be remembered as the kind, thoughtful, patient and hilarious man he was.

Loved beyond measure, missed beyond words. Dad, you will always be our hero and the best guy I ever knew.

Adventure awaits

This year did not end up the way I dreamed when the ball dropped 365 days ago. Bailey and I weathered more than hurricane Irma. But with her by my side it was still a year full of joy. As I woke up this morning anticipating the ball drop I felt incredibly lucky.

A while ago I used to pray for strength and focus. Then I ran a marathon. I realized I was given those things through running. That realization gave me faith. Faith in myself and faith in something greater than me.

Then I prayed for someone to love. Well that, I was given in spades.

While I thought I was asking for one person to love, I was given so many (and one angel dog). Last night, as I walked into a room full of friends who were happy to see me, I felt so loved. Prayer answered.

This year I started a running challenge with a teammate. Our goal was 2017 combined miles in 2017. A few months ago I became a team of one and thought that goal was out of reach. But I realized I'm a part of a community of runner's and I have a four legged running buddy whose logged countless miles with me. We're calling this mission accomplished.

As I ran on the last day of 2017 I found myself praying again. The word that kept floating up was adventure. I've started that off with a new job and a fresh hair cut. I hope to challenge myself, travel, face fears and try new things in the next 365 days. "To reach a port we must sail. Sail, not tie at anchor Sail, not drift." (FDR) It's time to start sailing.

One thing I always hope to have is gratitude. It makes life so much sweeter. I'm thankful for this wonderful life, the awesome people I share it with and the paradise I call home.

Cheers to a new year and the adventures that await!

head up, heart strong

"keep your head up, keep your heart strong." i read this quote by shalane flanagan on facebook one day and felt like it summed up this season of running for me.

last year marked my first marathon, an experience and memory that will be irreplaceable. after i completed it, i wasn't sure what to do next. so i just kept running and trusted that with each step i would figure it out. i started by increasing my mileage with a monthly goal of at least 100. it was a good first step, or 100,000 steps. but who is counting.

i realized this would be my tenth year of running. ten years since i lost a friend and gained an incredible gift. i had completed 8 marathons since i started so i signed up for two to commemorate this anniversary. one was for fun the other was for a PR. my first half marathon ever took me 2 hours and 24 minutes, my tenth only took one hour and 56.

my ninth half wasn't nearly as fast and when my friend asked what changed for the tenth, i told her i just knew i could do it. i woke up with the faith that i could and would achieve my goal. i had put in the time and training and it was all about to pay off. my head was up, my heart was strong. the weather didn't hurt either.

crossing that line, i knew i had more in me. i could be faster. my next goal became to set new PRs. the local race series gave me lots of opportunities since many races were odd distances. this meant that no matter what time i got, it was an automatic PR.

this weekend was the last race. when the gun went off the panic set in. everyone looked faster than me. i am not the thinnest in the field nor do i have the most muscle. how could i keep up?! and then i told myself to and run my own damn race and not worry about anyone else.

and it worked. it wasn't pretty but it was a PR. i had to amend the "not worrying about anyone else" since another runner came up to me the last half mile and kept me going. without words she told me not to give up. i may have been running my own race, but i was not alone.

it's been incredibly gratifying to have a few wins in an age division i used to fear. not only for the fear of being 30, but those women were fast! it's also helped me realize i don't need to be the thinnest or most built, but i have to have faith in myself. it's been a year of personal ups and downs but through it all running has helped me keep my head up and my heart strong.

next goal...negative splits. and maybe another marathon.

you win some, you lose some, you come back for more

in two saturdays, i ran two races with two very different experiences and outcomes.

last saturday, i ran Disney's Tower of Terror 10 Miler. as to be expected in Disney World, it was magical. all the stars aligned and a cool front rolled in an hour before the 10pm start and i was assigned an early starting corral which is essential in a race with 10,000 runners. i couldn't wait to start running and as soon as i did, each mile ticked off faster than the last. i was on the epitome of a runner's high as i crossed the finish line in 1:28:25.

with a pace of 8:42 in the ten miler, my goal of a sub two hour half marathon seemed within reach. fast forward to this saturday. i kept my legs fresh through the week and loaded up on plenty of carbs (aka pigged out). as i toed the starting line, i felt fairly sure i could pull it off. but at a steamy 80+ degrees at 7am and the added challenge of the bridges (florida for "hill") doubt crept in slowly and by mile seven, i thought i'd be lucky to even finish. it was a complete struggle but thanks to a friend pulling me along, i finished in 2:04:57.

i went home discouraged and exhausted. my finishing time was only 51 seconds off a personal best but it had felt 51 times harder. i doubted my abilities and considered finding another sport. but after a long shower and a big bowl of mac and cheese i found some perspective.

i'm lucky to be able to run a mile, much less 13.1. i'm fortunate to be able to run through disney or along the beachside in this beautiful town. i have friends and family who applauded both efforts, regardless of their outcomes. two hours and five minutes is better than not finishing which is even better than never starting.

running fills me up and empties me out in the best way possible. it provides a sense of accomplishment even when nothing else seems to be going right. i have had some of my best ideas and solved some of my hardest problems on a run. running connects me with an awesome community. it keeps me sane. it makes me happy.

and yes, i'll be back for more. 

life lessons learned on match

i have an archived, never posted blog about my first experiences on match.com. i never published it because, quite frankly, i was embarrassed to be on match. i know plenty of people have met their mate that way and i think that's awesome. however, it is not how i envisioned my story.

my story was supposed to be that i met this random guy in disney and fell in love and we made a life and a family together. i would say that i knew the night we met and i knew even more when on one of our many long distance, poor reception phone calls he said "i'm here" in a way that i knew he meant forever.

turns out i don't know everything.

suddenly, he was gone and i was looking through all these profiles of guys who weren't him. who couldn't recite the "vitameatavegamin" episode of I Love Lucy in full. who hadn't wiped the drool and tears off my face after a wisdom teeth removal gone awry. who could do the stitch voice flawlessly. who cooked AND washed the dishes. who drove me crazy but also knew me at my worst and loved me anyways.

no, they were all strangers that all posed with fish and that i could find any reason to eliminate as prospects. HE WROTE IN ALL CAPS. he spelled something wrong. he was too muscular. not muscular enough. nerdy. awkward. divorced. lives in okechobee (ok, that one is legit). but i was the one with the flaws. i was the one without the open heart.

looking back at that unpublished post, it was pretty judgmental. i thought it would be a funny way to document online dating mishaps but it is clear i was mostly afraid of finding a new story. i still am. with each awkward email and weird, 75 year old man creeping on my profile, i wish even more for the story that should have been mine which i let drift away and drive 1,000 miles back to indiana.

it's been two years now since that chapter closed. i can't say i've had the best luck in love since, but i also can't say i've made the best choices either. i'm actually pretty sure i was choosing the jerks and the non-compatibles to ensure it wouldn't work. that way i could hold onto that dream. but its time to let it go.

it is time to re-write my future.

it is strange and scary and somewhat exciting. it's a big freaking empty page waiting for me to put pen to paper, and i have writers block. but, if the next chapter is as good as the last one was, i think i'll be ok.

i just have to believe.

that one time i ran a marathon.

well, it certainly has been a while. life got a little crazy and i went a little crazier.

in january, i ran a marathon.

i remind myself of that often. when things get difficult or uncomfortable i remember how scary 26.2 miles seemed but how great every single one of them felt. i can do hard things.

crossing that finish line was both a huge relief and a tremendous reward. months of training amid an already hectic schedule. entire sunday mornings dedicated to long runs. a brutal 20 mile run following an already emotional week. headaches, chaffing, two pairs of sneakers, and gallons of sweat.

thank god i registered for that marathon months in advance. i didn't know how much i would need it. running surely pulled me up from the trenches. most days i wanted to hide under a rock but a healthy fear of hitting the wall mid-race got me out of bed and out running. it made me realize that i can't wait for life to get better, i have to make it that way. it's still a work in progress.

i had some great friends help me on training runs and they even delivered a care package to my hotel the night before. others sent cards or texts of encouragement. i was even lucky enough to have my parents come cheer me on. as i went to bed marathon eve, my cup was more than half full.

lining up the morning of the marathon, i was terrified. 26 miles was intimidating. but knowing i'd see my parents at mile 5 in the magic kingdom kept me from a complete panic. so i focused on making it there, one mile at a time.

my parents were right in front of the castle and seeing them there was, well...magical. it filled my tank for the next leg of the course which was a long stretch from the magic kingdom to the animal kingdom. disney provided enough entertainment (of course) and before i knew it, i made it to mile 12. the energy of animal kingdom was electric; animals, guys on stilts, loud music and fire! soon enough i was on my way to ESPN.

it was then i knew that i had it. i COULD do this.

i felt awesome. i knew mom and dad would be at mile 19, a friend at mile 24 and then just two more miles. easy! i high fived my parents as i ran by and my dad says he knew i had it then too. he told me that after the race, with a ton of pride in his voice, and it still makes my heart swell.

next was hollywood studios, a personal favorite. running behind the scenes was enough distraction to keep me moving forward. the chocolate they handed out didn't hurt either. an awesome surprise came as i exited the park and saw someone cheering from me. i felt a bit delirious because i knew she was cheering for me but i couldn't believe it either. my college roommate had spotted me among the masses. i gave her a big, sweaty hug and i was on a high for the next mile. i almost wanted to slow down to make this all last but before i knew it i was running through epcot on the way to the finish.

coming up to that finish line was beyond amazing. i could have burst, i was so incredibly proud and HAPPY. before that race i had been neither of these things. that day, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face. i could not wait to get to my parents. i didn't feel like i had made them proud recently and i was so glad i could change that. they have always been my biggest cheerleaders, and i am so grateful. if my legs could have gotten me over the barricades to reach them, i would have. sharing this experience with them was so special.

my first goal was to finish the race. my second goal was to do it in four and a half hours. well, i finished it in 4:30:35. the fact that not only did i finish but i did it in the exact time i had hoped for was nothing short of a miracle. thinking back on that day, i'm pretty sure there was divine intervention. the weather could not have been more perfect. i hardly broke a sweat which was in stark contrast to my training runs. and not once did i want to stop running. for four and a half hours. thinking about it, it seems impossible, but somehow it wasn't!

i never let my mind get ahead of my body. i truly enjoyed myself and never once wanted to give up. i felt incredibly strong. when i crossed the finish line, my cup runneth over, fortunately with champagne!

so now, when things get hard i remind myself of that day and know that if i just take it one mile, one step at a time i will cross that finish line. (and if i forget, my wonderful mom always reminds me).

monday is a four letter word.

today was a monday. monday's are notorious for being less than great. the weekend is always one day too short and the first day back to the grind is a shock to the system.

often times i'll call my mom on monday completely stressed or upset over something and she'll remind me what day it is. she's right, on tuesday that problem doesn't seem so overwhelming. it was just monday's fault.

all things considered, today started off fine. i even had the audacity to think that for a monday, it wasn't that bad. sure the weather was grey and the office was quiet...but lunch was delicious and tonight was the premier of dancing with the stars. overall, i'd call that a win.

when you get too cocky, life has a way of bringing you back to down to earth. and that's just what it did at 4pm today, monday. i got a call from someone who received a mailing i had just sent out for our golf tournaments. i had the times reversed for the tournaments on the letter. thankfully the registration forms were correct and most won't read the letter...but still. a big mistake, times 500.

no amount of chocolate or dancing with the stars was going to take away that mistake and make me look any better. i went home, my tail between my legs, feeling very humbled hoping i could redeem myself next time. in my head i heard my mom telling me not to rush, take my time and be careful, just like she did all the time from kindergarten through college. hopefully this time i'd learn. this time it will stick.

until next time. no, seriously, i've learned. or maybe i just won't answer the phone on a monday.

anyways, i took bailey for a walk hoping to shake it off. when we got home my neighbor was outside with his dog, camo. now i have previously written about this neighbor and called him some unflattering things. if i could go back in time i wouldn't be so quick to judge a book by its cover. past me sounds pretty foolish. since then, he has helped take care of bailey and we've traded homemade goodies. i may not agree with his purple and orange paint but i can appreciate his meticulous paint job and his willingness to help others.

back to monday. so he was standing in the driveway and i seized the opportunity to ask his opinion on the trees i attempted to trim this weekend but ended up hacking. before i knew it he had a ladder and a saw and and was working a miracle. i found myself humbled for the second time today. but this time in a good way.

you know how they say to be kind to others, you never know what battle they are fighting or how a smile can change someone's day? that is exactly what derrick and camo did for me today. turned my day right around. and that's a big deal for a monday.

i still maintain that mondays are awful and the week would be much better off without them. but next monday, i'll remember to smile and be kind. you never know what kind of monday others are having.

i also won't rush through important stuff. after all the weekend is really important and i take it very seriously.