head up, heart strong

"keep your head up, keep your heart strong." i read this quote by shalane flanagan on facebook one day and felt like it summed up this season of running for me.

last year marked my first marathon, an experience and memory that will be irreplaceable. after i completed it, i wasn't sure what to do next. so i just kept running and trusted that with each step i would figure it out. i started by increasing my mileage with a monthly goal of at least 100. it was a good first step, or 100,000 steps. but who is counting.

i realized this would be my tenth year of running. ten years since i lost a friend and gained an incredible gift. i had completed 8 marathons since i started so i signed up for two to commemorate this anniversary. one was for fun the other was for a PR. my first half marathon ever took me 2 hours and 24 minutes, my tenth only took one hour and 56.

my ninth half wasn't nearly as fast and when my friend asked what changed for the tenth, i told her i just knew i could do it. i woke up with the faith that i could and would achieve my goal. i had put in the time and training and it was all about to pay off. my head was up, my heart was strong. the weather didn't hurt either.

crossing that line, i knew i had more in me. i could be faster. my next goal became to set new PRs. the local race series gave me lots of opportunities since many races were odd distances. this meant that no matter what time i got, it was an automatic PR.

this weekend was the last race. when the gun went off the panic set in. everyone looked faster than me. i am not the thinnest in the field nor do i have the most muscle. how could i keep up?! and then i told myself to and run my own damn race and not worry about anyone else.

and it worked. it wasn't pretty but it was a PR. i had to amend the "not worrying about anyone else" since another runner came up to me the last half mile and kept me going. without words she told me not to give up. i may have been running my own race, but i was not alone.

it's been incredibly gratifying to have a few wins in an age division i used to fear. not only for the fear of being 30, but those women were fast! it's also helped me realize i don't need to be the thinnest or most built, but i have to have faith in myself. it's been a year of personal ups and downs but through it all running has helped me keep my head up and my heart strong.

next goal...negative splits. and maybe another marathon.

you win some, you lose some, you come back for more

in two saturdays, i ran two races with two very different experiences and outcomes.

last saturday, i ran Disney's Tower of Terror 10 Miler. as to be expected in Disney World, it was magical. all the stars aligned and a cool front rolled in an hour before the 10pm start and i was assigned an early starting corral which is essential in a race with 10,000 runners. i couldn't wait to start running and as soon as i did, each mile ticked off faster than the last. i was on the epitome of a runner's high as i crossed the finish line in 1:28:25.

with a pace of 8:42 in the ten miler, my goal of a sub two hour half marathon seemed within reach. fast forward to this saturday. i kept my legs fresh through the week and loaded up on plenty of carbs (aka pigged out). as i toed the starting line, i felt fairly sure i could pull it off. but at a steamy 80+ degrees at 7am and the added challenge of the bridges (florida for "hill") doubt crept in slowly and by mile seven, i thought i'd be lucky to even finish. it was a complete struggle but thanks to a friend pulling me along, i finished in 2:04:57.

i went home discouraged and exhausted. my finishing time was only 51 seconds off a personal best but it had felt 51 times harder. i doubted my abilities and considered finding another sport. but after a long shower and a big bowl of mac and cheese i found some perspective.

i'm lucky to be able to run a mile, much less 13.1. i'm fortunate to be able to run through disney or along the beachside in this beautiful town. i have friends and family who applauded both efforts, regardless of their outcomes. two hours and five minutes is better than not finishing which is even better than never starting.

running fills me up and empties me out in the best way possible. it provides a sense of accomplishment even when nothing else seems to be going right. i have had some of my best ideas and solved some of my hardest problems on a run. running connects me with an awesome community. it keeps me sane. it makes me happy.

and yes, i'll be back for more. 

life lessons learned on match

i have an archived, never posted blog about my first experiences on match.com. i never published it because, quite frankly, i was embarrassed to be on match. i know plenty of people have met their mate that way and i think that's awesome. however, it is not how i envisioned my story.

my story was supposed to be that i met this random guy in disney and fell in love and we made a life and a family together. i would say that i knew the night we met and i knew even more when on one of our many long distance, poor reception phone calls he said "i'm here" in a way that i knew he meant forever.

turns out i don't know everything.

suddenly, he was gone and i was looking through all these profiles of guys who weren't him. who couldn't recite the "vitameatavegamin" episode of I Love Lucy in full. who hadn't wiped the drool and tears off my face after a wisdom teeth removal gone awry. who could do the stitch voice flawlessly. who cooked AND washed the dishes. who drove me crazy but also knew me at my worst and loved me anyways.

no, they were all strangers that all posed with fish and that i could find any reason to eliminate as prospects. HE WROTE IN ALL CAPS. he spelled something wrong. he was too muscular. not muscular enough. nerdy. awkward. divorced. lives in okechobee (ok, that one is legit). but i was the one with the flaws. i was the one without the open heart.

looking back at that unpublished post, it was pretty judgmental. i thought it would be a funny way to document online dating mishaps but it is clear i was mostly afraid of finding a new story. i still am. with each awkward email and weird, 75 year old man creeping on my profile, i wish even more for the story that should have been mine which i let drift away and drive 1,000 miles back to indiana.

it's been two years now since that chapter closed. i can't say i've had the best luck in love since, but i also can't say i've made the best choices either. i'm actually pretty sure i was choosing the jerks and the non-compatibles to ensure it wouldn't work. that way i could hold onto that dream. but its time to let it go.

it is time to re-write my future.

it is strange and scary and somewhat exciting. it's a big freaking empty page waiting for me to put pen to paper, and i have writers block. but, if the next chapter is as good as the last one was, i think i'll be ok.

i just have to believe.

that one time i ran a marathon.

well, it certainly has been a while. life got a little crazy and i went a little crazier.

in january, i ran a marathon.

i remind myself of that often. when things get difficult or uncomfortable i remember how scary 26.2 miles seemed but how great every single one of them felt. i can do hard things.

crossing that finish line was both a huge relief and a tremendous reward. months of training amid an already hectic schedule. entire sunday mornings dedicated to long runs. a brutal 20 mile run following an already emotional week. headaches, chaffing, two pairs of sneakers, and gallons of sweat.

thank god i registered for that marathon months in advance. i didn't know how much i would need it. running surely pulled me up from the trenches. most days i wanted to hide under a rock but a healthy fear of hitting the wall mid-race got me out of bed and out running. it made me realize that i can't wait for life to get better, i have to make it that way. it's still a work in progress.

i had some great friends help me on training runs and they even delivered a care package to my hotel the night before. others sent cards or texts of encouragement. i was even lucky enough to have my parents come cheer me on. as i went to bed marathon eve, my cup was more than half full.

lining up the morning of the marathon, i was terrified. 26 miles was intimidating. but knowing i'd see my parents at mile 5 in the magic kingdom kept me from a complete panic. so i focused on making it there, one mile at a time.

my parents were right in front of the castle and seeing them there was, well...magical. it filled my tank for the next leg of the course which was a long stretch from the magic kingdom to the animal kingdom. disney provided enough entertainment (of course) and before i knew it, i made it to mile 12. the energy of animal kingdom was electric; animals, guys on stilts, loud music and fire! soon enough i was on my way to ESPN.

it was then i knew that i had it. i COULD do this.

i felt awesome. i knew mom and dad would be at mile 19, a friend at mile 24 and then just two more miles. easy! i high fived my parents as i ran by and my dad says he knew i had it then too. he told me that after the race, with a ton of pride in his voice, and it still makes my heart swell.

next was hollywood studios, a personal favorite. running behind the scenes was enough distraction to keep me moving forward. the chocolate they handed out didn't hurt either. an awesome surprise came as i exited the park and saw someone cheering from me. i felt a bit delirious because i knew she was cheering for me but i couldn't believe it either. my college roommate had spotted me among the masses. i gave her a big, sweaty hug and i was on a high for the next mile. i almost wanted to slow down to make this all last but before i knew it i was running through epcot on the way to the finish.

coming up to that finish line was beyond amazing. i could have burst, i was so incredibly proud and HAPPY. before that race i had been neither of these things. that day, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face. i could not wait to get to my parents. i didn't feel like i had made them proud recently and i was so glad i could change that. they have always been my biggest cheerleaders, and i am so grateful. if my legs could have gotten me over the barricades to reach them, i would have. sharing this experience with them was so special.

my first goal was to finish the race. my second goal was to do it in four and a half hours. well, i finished it in 4:30:35. the fact that not only did i finish but i did it in the exact time i had hoped for was nothing short of a miracle. thinking back on that day, i'm pretty sure there was divine intervention. the weather could not have been more perfect. i hardly broke a sweat which was in stark contrast to my training runs. and not once did i want to stop running. for four and a half hours. thinking about it, it seems impossible, but somehow it wasn't!

i never let my mind get ahead of my body. i truly enjoyed myself and never once wanted to give up. i felt incredibly strong. when i crossed the finish line, my cup runneth over, fortunately with champagne!

so now, when things get hard i remind myself of that day and know that if i just take it one mile, one step at a time i will cross that finish line. (and if i forget, my wonderful mom always reminds me).

monday is a four letter word.

today was a monday. monday's are notorious for being less than great. the weekend is always one day too short and the first day back to the grind is a shock to the system.

often times i'll call my mom on monday completely stressed or upset over something and she'll remind me what day it is. she's right, on tuesday that problem doesn't seem so overwhelming. it was just monday's fault.

all things considered, today started off fine. i even had the audacity to think that for a monday, it wasn't that bad. sure the weather was grey and the office was quiet...but lunch was delicious and tonight was the premier of dancing with the stars. overall, i'd call that a win.

when you get too cocky, life has a way of bringing you back to down to earth. and that's just what it did at 4pm today, monday. i got a call from someone who received a mailing i had just sent out for our golf tournaments. i had the times reversed for the tournaments on the letter. thankfully the registration forms were correct and most won't read the letter...but still. a big mistake, times 500.

no amount of chocolate or dancing with the stars was going to take away that mistake and make me look any better. i went home, my tail between my legs, feeling very humbled hoping i could redeem myself next time. in my head i heard my mom telling me not to rush, take my time and be careful, just like she did all the time from kindergarten through college. hopefully this time i'd learn. this time it will stick.

until next time. no, seriously, i've learned. or maybe i just won't answer the phone on a monday.

anyways, i took bailey for a walk hoping to shake it off. when we got home my neighbor was outside with his dog, camo. now i have previously written about this neighbor and called him some unflattering things. if i could go back in time i wouldn't be so quick to judge a book by its cover. past me sounds pretty foolish. since then, he has helped take care of bailey and we've traded homemade goodies. i may not agree with his purple and orange paint but i can appreciate his meticulous paint job and his willingness to help others.

back to monday. so he was standing in the driveway and i seized the opportunity to ask his opinion on the trees i attempted to trim this weekend but ended up hacking. before i knew it he had a ladder and a saw and and was working a miracle. i found myself humbled for the second time today. but this time in a good way.

you know how they say to be kind to others, you never know what battle they are fighting or how a smile can change someone's day? that is exactly what derrick and camo did for me today. turned my day right around. and that's a big deal for a monday.

i still maintain that mondays are awful and the week would be much better off without them. but next monday, i'll remember to smile and be kind. you never know what kind of monday others are having.

i also won't rush through important stuff. after all the weekend is really important and i take it very seriously. 
 

this one time at...running camp

the alarm blasts in my ear at 4:30am. even bailey isn't ready to get up. she sighs and rolls over.

before i think about it too much i put my feet on the ground and get up and throw on some running clothes that may or may not match. hopefully none are inside out.

i ate no less than my weight in desserts last night but somehow my stomach still grumbles so i grab a chocolate granola bar. the thought crosses my mind that i might have a chocolate addiction, but it's 4:30am...i'll eat what i want.

i walk the dog, it's dark and creepy out but i see a shooting star. maybe this is a good sign.

i get in my car and head off to running camp. i'm disappointed to discover that the lack of sun does not equal lack of heat. and the humidity? i might as well go for a swim. we do a slow warm up run as my friends chat around me. i try to keep up, unsure how i'll make it through the rest of the workout.  

but i persevere.

i remember that line from fast and furious about living life one quarter mile at a time. today i will live it in half miles. i will run and i will breathe and i will work hard. (and then i'll have more chocolate).

somehow the six daunting intervals pass by, each at goal pace. they hurt, but in a way that feels good. it feels good to push myself. it feels good to see it pay off every three minutes and fifty five seconds. it's good to focus on a pace and the distance between cones instead of anything and everything else.

i leave much happier than i came (and much soggier).

back in my car, one republic is on the radio singing that "sometimes there's bullshit that don't work now...but please tell me what there is to complain about?"and i think this lyric couldn't be more appropriate to my life if i wrote it myself.

i turn the music up and sing horribly off key, "oh, this has gotta be the good life, this has gotta be the good life, this could really be a good life, good life!"

today is off to a good start. and this life? it can be oh so good if you just take it one half mile at a time.

*(it should be noted that this one republic song is used in disney advertising, which for me is equivalent to having my cake and eating it too).

fast.

i finally know what "fast" feels like. it's completely thrilling and entirely exhausting.

for almost six years i've been showing up for a group run around the bridges every wednesday night. give or take a week or two or a year. when i first started i was happy just to finish. next goal was to run the entire thing with no breaks. i'd run 5.5 before but these bridges are a challenge. add the florida summer sunshine and well, sometimes i was sure my face would explode. i averaged 55 minutes.

the past two weeks i've run it in 46 minutes. relatively speaking...that is FAST!

i say relative because the majority of the runners in this group average 6 minute miles. but me? running 5 miles each in just over 8 minutes...well that is a victory.

now, i don't expect every run to be a victory. there have been strings of months of poor runs or lack of runs. some days you set a personal best, others you set personal worst. there are days when just lacing up is a victory.

but right now. right now, running feels so good. it's a good outlet. it's good exercise. it's a good challenge. faster or not, it is just so good.

and when you hear those 6 minute milers calling you fast? well, that's just icing on the cake.

(speaking of cake, i think i earned another slice. going faster burns more calories, right?)